Monday, July 5, 2010



it is about quarter after nine and i am finishing my salty lassi and sipping my coffee, waiting for josh to wake up so that we can clean up this mess of a house. vincent slept over at nonna and papa's last night for this purpose...sad, we couldn't even take advantage of being alone in the house since it hasn't been two weeks yet since i was spayed, etc. but i am probably going to have to rouse him with the smell of cooking food, since he doesn't drink the coffee that smells so good.
i have let so much stress build up my life that i haven't been able to do anything. i have been paralyzed by my thoughts and feelings for months now, but thanks to four or five therapy sessions, i have sorted it out enough to start acting on it, and it already feels better.
the first step is to get this house cleaned up. i have neglected it for weeks, literally, and there is stuff and clutter piled everywhere. i have always cleaned to deal with stress, it has always been calming to me, creating an outer clarity and order has almost always been able to bring me back to an inner order, but even that has failed me lately. so i am going to get on that today with josh's help.
then, i am taking the week off sick. i am sick, there is no ethical or professional conflict. i am acutely sick with a horrible chest cold, i am chronically sick with barely controlled diabetes. i am mentally sick, unable to sleep or concentrate, crying too easily and struggling with a nearly constant feeling of dread. so, i am going to call in sick tomorrow, and wednesday, and thursday. the essential thing is that i am making a conscious decision not to go to work this week because i am sick, i need to rest, i need to get to a couple of doctor's appointments, and i need to allow myself the time and space to do this. my entire life, i have been the type of person to drag myself to work no matter how i "feel"; if i am not bleeding out of my eyeballs, i go to work. the consequences of having done this for the past 11 months at my current job, the months in which i have been the only licensed counselor working in the outpatient program, are multiple. and i am going to rest and take care of myself next week.
then i am going to resign. but i will talk more about that later.

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